Things I'd Like to Say 14: Problems I have with Bludgeoning Angel Dokuro-chan
I already tore this a new vagina on Newgrounds, but here’s an elaboration on my beef with this series.
1. Dokuro herself
The only thing that she has going for her is her looks. Dokuro is ditzy, manipulative, annoying, stupid, Mary Sue-ish, and downright hateful. For example, after promising the male lead (more on him later) not to use her powers, she turns the class representative into a macaque. I thought to myself “Is this supposed to be funny? It really isn’t.” If that wasn’t enough, how the hell does she have super strength and near omniscient? Not only is it not explained, but it also isn’t funny either. Maris and A-Ko would tell her to dial it back. What also gets to me is why she smashes Sakura’s head in one moment only to try to seduce him the next. Would some character consistency not have killed these pseudowriters? Finally, aside from one instance in the second episode; she never gets her comeuppance. Would it not have killed the lame-ass writers to have Sakura take out a couple of knives and rapid-stab her MadWorld style? In other words, this dipshit is another reason why Newgrounds should bring Assassin back.
2. Sakura Kusakabe
Is it just me, or is he simply too nice, polite, and respectful to be hated upon? That and the running gag involving him being a pedophile just doesn’t work. First of all, we don’t see him engage in actual child molestation humor a la Father Tucker, The Child Fucker. That could have been so hilarious, but the creators didn’t do it, and because of that, they failed horribly. Second is the evidence of him being a child rapist. The video presented by Sabato doesn’t work because when you really think about it; she could have easily fabricated it. Furthermore, we don’t see Sakura actually create that bullshit loli machine in her video. If she had stronger evidence, then I can see where she’s coming from. In addition, wouldn’t at least several students question her claims and that video? As for him being a general pervert, the only evidence for that are the porno he hides in his locker and the time he tries to sneak a kiss off of Dokuro. Junk Boy’s Ryohei was far more perverted than this non-entity, and he was actually funny to boot.
3. Zakuro
The creators of this thought it would be funny to have a nine-year-old girl in the body of Lauri from the Cajun Bombshells. However, they didn’t have an explanation for how she ended up that way. Was she grown in a lab or a genetic defect caused her to grow faster than normal? Then again, even with an actual explanation, it still doesn’t mask the fact that the joke is not funny in the slightest. I know that this is far too pedantic for its own good, but somebody had to do it.
4. Most of the other jokes are terrible
They consist of random references to Doraemon, Urusei Yatsura, etc. that just feel pasted on. Though that photo joke in Series two, Episode one was chuckleworthy. Furthermore, this whole series seems like a more violent version of The Simpsons’ Boys of Bummer, except this time Sakura’s classmates aren’t in the wrong even though they should. Speaking of torture porn…
5. Too much Stressed Eric influence
Ugh, I know that this was coming, and the whole ‘likeable chap having a life that is a living hell’ seems like it was influenced by a shitty sitcom cartoon that few remember. (Don’t take my word for it, watch Mr. Enter’s review of this and you’ll see why.) As I said, this could have worked if Sakura himself was an asshole who actually engaged in child molestation, but no, actual effort on behalf of the writers would have put a strain on them. Seriously, taking one of the worst cartoons from Great Britain, and mixing it with one of the most inanely pernicious Simpsons A-Plots was a recipe for disaster. Not even the worst torture porn episodes of Spongebob Squarepants, Family Guy, American Dad, or even Mr. Pickles could match this.
6. The Deaths
The deaths in this get repetitive real fast. At least Trey Parker and Matt Stone tried to make every Kenny death distinct. (I am well aware of how embarrassed they are of the first three seasons of the show, but I’ll take Damien, Pink-Eye, T&P Not Without My Anus, Ike’s Wee Wee, and Chef Goes Nanners over Stanley’s Cup, Woodland Critters Christmas, A Million Little Fibers, You’re Getting Old, Ass Burgers, More Crap, and all of Season 20.)
7. The other angels
We start off with Sabato, who’s only traits are her looks, those fake horns she wears, her being homeless, and her fruitless mission to kill the main lead. Oh, and she gets her halo removed twice, which causes angels to get diarrhea. First of all, why diarrhea? Why not vomiting, menstruation, having to piss real bad, running nose, or making them incredibly horny? Then there is Dokuro’s friend Zansu, who is a bad comic relief character. By the way, In the PS2 game, he’s actually photographing little girls, and we’re supposed to believe that Ben T